The Immortals in a Nutshell
by shang-wombat
Summary: And now for the eagerly awaited sequel to Song of the Lioness in a Nutshell. *We're still insane*
1. Wild er Magic

Wild. er. "Magic" in a nutshell  
  
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the eagerly awaited first installment of 'the immortals in a nutshell!'  
  
Disclaimer: We own none of it! None! Except, of course, the energizer bunny.  
  
Once upon a time there was a pedophile- wait, Numair's not in this story yet. Anyways, there was this girl. Named Daine (of no relation to Dane from Tusaine who's brother was Bane) who ran away from home and was raised by wolves and Carnies. No wonder she turned out so well. And then there was this chick named Onau. And Onau was like "What the hell is a chick?"  
And the Mother Goddess, who does not appear in this story, was all like "There is no hell!"  
And daine was like "Weeeee, I'm an impoverished kid who was raised by carnies and world vision hasn't been invented yet"  
And onau was like "I have a shit-ass name, it sounds like Miles's fief. I could have had a cool name like Thayet or Alanna, but noooo. What the hell is an 'Onau'?"  
And daine was like "Who are you talking to?"  
And Onau was like "The voices, the voices in my head. They tell me what to do."  
And daine was all like "Ummm, you know the white powder in the plastic bags? It ain't sugar."  
And onau was like "Hark, do I hear the sweet mating call of the energizer bunny! It approcheth!"  
And daine was like "Uh, ok. Will you feed me?"  
And onau was like "Yes, energizer bunny, whatever you say."  
And daine was all like "Well, it ain't no cave with wolves and carnies, but it'll have to do."  
And then cloud was all like "Hey, you ass-wankers! You forgot about me!"  
And onau was like "at least 'Cloud' means something. What in the hell is an onau?"  
And faithful was like "Hey, they forgot about me in the first series too. We should start an animal lobby. We are the animal union!"  
And fancies was like "hey, aren't you dead?"  
And faithful was like "aren't you dead?"  
And francis was like "Trippy! The cat is talking!"  
And jonathan ran naked through Galla saying "support the animal lobby! Support the animal lobby!"  
And daine was all like "all right. that was odd. Let's move on with the story now and get to a part that's atually important."  
So they rode gloriously into the sunset towards the ever-vesant city of Corus.  
And then a big black bird ran into a tree because he was on drugs.  
And daine was all like "Wow, that thing is stupider than the dude who runs our country."  
And then jonathan was all like "support the animal lobby- ouch, buggering thistle!"  
And daine was all like "don't you have any actual responsibilities?"  
And jon was like "No, I delegate them to other people so I can go prancing naked in the woods."  
And daine was like "this country has curious customes."  
And onau was like "Daine, could you "fix" the bird? But don't think too much about the bird because you might uncover the secret- which the bird doesn't have, because it's just a bird" *eyes slant suspiciously from side to side.* "just a bird."  
And daine was like "is it normal in this country for birds to spontainiously change into naked men?"  
And onau was like "yes. Yes it is."  
And numair was like "hey, babe, what's your sign? Do you want me to teach you 'magic?'"  
And daine was like "it might be a bit more subtle if you were wearing cloths when you asked the question."  
And daine was like "onau, who the hell is this?"  
And onau was like "he's my friend. Just a friend." *eyes slant suspiciously from side to side* "we go way back, as friends."  
And then some stuff happened and daine went to pirates swoop where she took a dip in the ocean, nearly killing herself (wait, she did kill herself and francis was like "yay, I have a new friend." But numair brought her back to life (well, actually alanna did) and francis was like "awww.") and daine summoned a kraken (that's in this book, right? Mmmmm. kraken. I think I would have white wine with that. mmm. alcohol.)  
And the kraken ate a bunch of evil pirate dudes and then he was like "I demand over time for this, because I am a member of the animal lobby."  
And jon was all like "yay, kraken! Peace, my brother!"  
And then the other animals were like "yes, we demand workers confensation and health benefits."  
And alanna was like "screw that idea."  
And alanna was like "look. I am pregnant with twins and dairy queen hasn't been invented yet and we're out of pickles. Get the hell off my property!"  
And all the animals left.  
And numair was all like "good job daine. Would you like some puppies? Or candy, I have candy. You'll have lots of candy if you get into my van."  
And daine was all like "Ok! I'm young and naïve. I also enjoy pick- nicks and long walks in the park discussing poetry and my feelings."  
And so they went off together. The end.  
  
PS- oh, yeah, and a bunch of shit happened with the immortals. The end. 


	2. Wolf Speaker

Wolf Speaker  
  
Disclaimer: ooooooh. fluffy wolves. tasty.  
  
'Dango- this is a stupid disclaimer  
  
Mikki- shut up, I'm hungry.  
  
One day there was a girl called daine. She could talk to animals. She has her own kids t.v. show.  
  
And daine was all like "Krakens are my friends."  
  
And then Mikki was like "Awww, this is a stupid book, couldn't we just skip to the next one?"  
  
And 'Dango was like "No, that would be lazy."  
  
And Mikki was like "But there's no plot! We can't write a parody on a story with no plot!"  
  
And daine was like "Shut up! This is my story, not yours!"  
And Mikki and 'Danger were like "We're, like, the all-powerful authors. You must do our bidding."  
  
And Daine was all like "No!"  
  
Suddently Daine lost a leg and got stuck as a female dog.  
  
And Numair was like "Come here, you sexy three-legged bitch."  
  
And Mikki was like "Maybe we should make Numair less of a ass, people actually like Numair."  
  
And Jon was all like "hey! I resent that implication."  
  
And then Daine turned into a wolf and screwed the pack.  
  
And Rikash was all like "stop that squirrel!"  
  
And Maura was like "Come back, my love!"  
  
And Rikash was like "We can't be lovers, Jerry Springer hasn't been invented yet!" So then he went off and screwed Maura's real father, Zaneth Bitterclaws instead.  
  
And 'Dango was like "Isn't she a chick?"  
  
And Mikki was like "Shut up, 'Dango. The readers are stupid, they don't know."  
  
And the reader ran after them with torches and pitchforks.  
  
And 'Dango was like "Shouldn't we be writing stuff that has to do with the story?"  
  
And Mikki was like "This version is way more interesting then the book actually was."  
  
And Jon was like "Support the animal lobby!"  
  
And Numair was like "Daine, I wrote something for you:  
  
Roses are Red, Violets are Not  
  
I think your ass is really-"  
  
"Stormwings!!!!!!!!!" Daine shouted.  
  
And Numair was like "Where?"  
And Daine was like "No where. You may be an all powerful- God's Blessed Mage, but you can't write poetry to save your life."  
  
And so Numair went off to screw a court lady.  
  
And Varice was like "YAY!!!!"  
  
And Daine growled at her and ate her limbs. However, thanks to the miracle of modern science they managed to glue them back on.  
  
And then Mikki and 'Dango decided that this story was really bad and not going to improve so they shot themselves.  
  
The end. 


	3. Emperor Mage

Emperor Mage in a Nutshell  
  
Dango: Yay! There's actually stuff that's in the book in this one! Mikki: That's because there's actually stuff in that book Dango: Whatever. Disclaimer. blah blah blah. We own none of it, except I own half of Dom's stuff. *drools* and we also own the rights to the movies Jurassic park and Free Willy, and the Covergirl Corperation, we own that. yes. and the song 'Rasputine'. Yes, of course we own that *runs away from the army of lawyers that're chasing after them*  
Once upon a time a bunch of Tortallians went trooping off to Carthrak for no apparent reason.  
And Daine was all like "Why are we doing this again?"  
And Numair was like "Because Jon told us."  
And Jon went prancing naked across the boat throwing flowers in the water and saying "Vote for the animal party! Free Willy!"  
And then Alanna was like "It certainly is."  
And Daine was like "Why do we listen to this guy again?"  
And Numair was all like "Because he's our Sovereign Lord and we still live under the feudal system."  
And Daine was all like "Well, that blows chunks."  
And Alanna was like "Speaking of blowing chunks, I'm doing remarkably well considering this is a sea voyage."  
And some random guy was like "I do the sign against evil on myself cuz the animals are freaking me out."  
And Daine was all like "Support the animal lobby!"  
And Kaddar was all like "I wear eyeliner."  
And Daine was like "My, Kaddar, what big lashes you have!"  
And Kaddar was like, "Why, the better to flutter in a flirtatious manner at you, my dear. I use cover girl, lash extension!"  
And Orzone was like "Numair must DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cough cough* I mean, welcome, friends!"  
And Daine got pooped on my lots of birds.  
And Daine was like "My job is the shits."  
And Numair was all like "Kaddar, get away from her before I turn you into a- why, hello Varice, what big brea- eyes you have. They are so beautiful, and large. Say, I have a very nice chamber, would you like to come and see?"  
Meanwhile Daine outshot all the guys and was all like "Hahaha, kiss my ass!"  
And Kaddar was like "Gladly."  
And Daine was like "I thought you were gay."  
And Kaddar was like "What? You're not a man?"  
And Daine was like "You're too young for me. Besides, men who are fifty years older than me and wear sweater vests make my knees quake with desire." *cough* Mikki *cough*  
Mikki: Shut up, 'Dango!  
And Orzone was like "Hot damn, I need to score me one of them sweater vests!"  
And then the Graveyard Hag manipulated some people and Daine brought a dinosaur to life.  
And Daine was like "Ooooops."  
And Numair was like "Dude, I must be on some powerful shit."  
And Daine was like "You're on to talk about shit. Let's see how many time we can say shit within the course of this story. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Is there anyone left who's not offended? Shit."  
And then Orzone poisoned Daine and locked her up in his fetish room (aka the band room)  
And 'Dango was like "Shouldn't we stop putting in so many inside jokes? We might be confusing people."  
And Mikki was like "Oh well, that's their problem!"  
And Daine broke out and made a deal with some rats (not Numair, actual rats.)  
And the rats were all like "Awww, we don't speak like gangsters."  
And the Graveyard Had was like "No, that's reserved for the Bra- zhir."  
And the rats were all like "Batta bing, batta boom."  
And Daine brought a bunch of dinosaurs to life and smashed the palace while the Jurassic Park theme song played in the back round.  
And Zek was like "Hey, you shit-monkeys, you forgot about me!"  
And Faithful and Cloud and Kitten (who we haven't mentioned yet. ooops.) were like "Join the animal lobby!"  
And Jon was like "Yay!"  
And roger was like "Even the people you forgot about get a bigger part than me!  
  
And Francis was like, "Cry me a river and go drown in it, Rasputine wanna-be."  
And Roger was like "Here's a fun fact, did you know Rasputine had a thirteen inch penis?"  
And all of the stormwings broke out in song. "Rah, rah, Raspoutine, lover of the Russian Queen."  
And Thayet was like "Damn, I chose the wrong monarch."  
And Raoul was like "Duh."  
And Jon was like "Free Willy!"  
And Alanna was like "Not much of one."  
And Daine was like "Hello? I crushed the palace, we can end the book now!"  
And Numair was like "Wait! No, I haven't seen you naked yet! Fair's Fair!"  
And then the stromwings were like "Rah, rah, Raspoutine, Russia's greatest lover machine."  
And Numair was like "Why, thank you." And he swaggered off into the sunset.  
"Ouch! It burns!"  
And Orzone was like "There was a cat who really was gone. Hey, I'm singing. crap! I'm a stormwing! Damn you batman, I will have my revenge!" 


	4. Realm of the Pedophiles

Once upon a time there was a leper, several in fact. And they were all like "Narg... we're all fleshy and flesh eating and stuff."  
And then they striped the flesh off everything in their path (giving a whole new meaning to the word stripper) and Daine was all like "I think I found my true calling!?"  
And numair was like "Eww! They're gooey and sticky!"  
And daine was all like "Tasty)  
And numair was all like "Fear not, daine, I will defeat them to demonstrate my manliness. Oh, damn, you mean I'll have to get up? Well that ain't cool. What if I stain my robe? It's dry clean only!"  
And daine was all like "ooooohhh noooooo!"  
And so daine's parents saved their butts and brought them into the divine realms and numair was all like 'but wait! I have to go fight a war for prince priggly!"  
And jon skipped naked through the divine realms throwing flowers and giving candy to small children.  
And daine was all like "isn't indecent exposure a crime or something?"  
And jon was like "Live free or die!"  
And mithros was like "Yes, unfortunately we have yet to find a way to get rid of him."  
And numair was like "Dude, get you're naked and small self away from my chick."  
And the brazir were like "dude, you ripping off our lingo, dude!"  
And the writer's got shot.  
And then Daine had a lovely little reunion with her parents who were sarra and wyldon... we mean wieron... we think  
And wyldon was all like "I'm not even in the books yet, how'd you know about that???"  
And wieron was all like "nre nre nre. My mommy was a deer.... my daddy got awful lonely."  
And daine looked at her tail and said "This explains that at least."  
  
And their reunion was tragically cut short when a tarus propositioned daine.  
And daine was all like "Wow, you;'re Horny, like you're a minature, who has horns, so you're horny, get it? Hee he hee he."  
And numair was all like "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Don't sniff the chaos vents"  
and then daine fell off a cliff and numair got raped by rocks and daine got molested by giant spiders. And numair came back in a jelous fit of rage and heroically killed all the spidrens, except for most of them which daine killed.  
Then, with passion blazing in his eyes and his dark hair whipping around him in the wind like tempting serpents he said in a deep and meaningful rasp "Daine, I have crabs."  
And daine was all like "Well, that's fine, I have a tail."  
And then numair molested her to within an inch of her life.  
And then daine fell asleep.  
And then jon was like "everyone n this book gets action but me...even the rocks" And he went off and got raped by the peely stripy gooey things.  
And he was all like "yay! I finally lost my virginity!"  
And the peely stripy gooey thing was like "I am really ralon of malven!"  
And jon was like "damnit, I already lost my virginity to you once!"  
And daine was like "What does this have to do with me getting laid by some forty year old pedophile who can't get a real girlfriend?"  
And varice said "I'm real... at least most of me! Mmmm... botox...."  
And then daine and numair had an in-depth talk about their feelings and orzorn licked a cow.  
And then then they met some stormwings who were all like "Narrrrrrrg, we smell like poo."  
And daine was like "You sure do!"  
And numair was like "I do too!"  
And myles was like "Go fuck a shoe."  
And so they did.  
And daine said "Tasty."  
And numair was like "naaaarrrrrggggg.... Bondage..... daine, you looked pretty hot stuck in all those spider webs, say, I have some silly string. Why don't you come to my room to... uh... study? You bring the fuzzy handcuffs."  
And thayet was all like "It's good that she has such an excellent father figure."  
And numair salivated.  
And kalasin was like "My daddy runs around naked."  
And thayet was like "We don't like to discuss that, dear.:"  
And raoul was like "duh."  
And then they hitch hike with some stormwings were all like "on top of spaghetti, all covered with cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed."  
And numair was like "what're you implying?"  
And daine said "I think they're saying you have no-"  
And the badger was all like "Do I get any mention in this story whatsoever?"  
And jon ran naked through the desert saying "support the animal lobby! Free willy!"  
And the badger went and breathed on some people. And gave them SARS.  
And then daine saw a big shiny wall of death so she walked through it and the darkings were like "hey, they forgot about us too! Can we join the animal lobby? We're animals... well, sorta, we're actually orzorns blood... AIDS...."  
And kel was like "I'm being conceived."  
And numair molested daine some more and then they went and chilled with some dragons who brought them back to tortall where the immortals were reeking (literally, in the case of the stormwings) havoc. And jon had gotten sunburned where no light has shone before as a result of his reckless frolicking.  
And the moral to this story is always wear your sunscreen.  
And don't lick cows or you'll get aids.  
The end.  
  
Oh, yeah, and daine had some rough lovin' with orzorn and he died as a result. And numair made out with cloud. Oops, we mean daine. Oh well, there's enough cross spiecies in this story as it is, it's not like anyone's going to notice.  
And wyldon got raped by a squirrel.  
The (real) end. 


End file.
